I’d stare at my calf
From a tinted angle
Squinting through my hair in the half light
And I could stay there all night
And half the day,
If I wanted.
Listening to the words
Of another so-called soul-mate
Half considering something else
But no.
But stay.
Stay with me.
Loneliness is safer than we’d like it to be
Safer than it was yesterday.
I promise you
The comfort of contact
Is not all you’d like it to be.
It was a day and night of solitude
When I turned to the worst of myself,
And she stared straight back into me
Or the setting,
settling into the surroundings
all melting into me.
And an unsteady breath,
An unsteady cry,
oh, I swear I didn’t ask for this,
All I wanted was
one day to stay still,
To stay steady
In spite of any cries of
Hedonism and self
indulgence
(obsession, infatuation, destruction, hatred, disgust).
Just to stand still
Just a small mercy
Just a lie
A lie
A lie
A lie
A liar.
An eye inside of the storm
Oh, you forsaken, forlorn
Pretentious creature,
Hiding inside your words
And your drink
And your love of the nothing
And nothing else
- you fooled me.
NO!
Don’t you dare call me the fool,
Don’t you dare call me the innocent,
The child,
The idealist
The optimist
The fool
For stepping outside of fear for a while.
You don’t know me.
(that I don’t know myself either
is entirely besides
the point.)
I stare only between shadows
And the solid world
After covering all the mirrors in my house
The curtains are drawn
over windows, over me,
Such warmth.
Such strong arms cradling,
And such a chest to lean against.
Everything I want,
and no room for you,
for hope
for sleep
And
no
room
at all
for
need.
