It was easy.

I hope you realise that.
It was ridiculously easy, and painless, to do something that once terrified me.
Do you know how that feels?
To experience a transformation more tangible than any before it? To almost see it, to feel each step forward, backwards, sideways, for what it is?
But it’s summer, I guess.
(What?)
It’s summer. These things always happen in summer. 
Three whole free months.
Three months where I have every right not to sit still, not to settle.
Not for more than a few days, anyway.
A few days.
What’s that, 72 hours?
72 hours to lie in wait in
paralysis in
pause in
stability in
stasis in
Hibernation.
(but it’s summer) 
I don’t care, it’s just three days.
I can sleep for three days, right?
(i thought you said it was easy)
Oh, it is. 
It is. 
It is, in isolation. 
That’s not life, though. Nothing exists in isolation. 
(you learned that a long time ago)
But it still feels like an epiphany I’ve had within the hour, you know?
You know?
It’s like being alone in your own skin forever, or dying.
You start learning it at about eight years old but you never really stop and it’s still so hard to deal with sometimes.
(shh, we don’t say these things) 
Well, why the fuck not?
All these things one simply doesn’t say?
(i don’t believe you) 
I don’t believe me either
(i’m sorry) 
So am I. 
.
.
.

You know that song?
(hmm?) 
It’s about sadness and self defeatism and Alaska.
Mostly Alaska.
It has that line in it - “we all go to Alaska when we die” 
Do you think that’s true?
(sometimes) 
Alaska is one of those places that doesn’t really exist. It’s an idea, not a real life place.
No.
That’s only true when you don’t know the place. It must exist if you’ve lived there your whole life. 
(you haven’t, though) 
So it’s just an idea.
It’s all idealism and ice and wilderness and Chris McCandless.
Alexander Supertramp.
(there’s an idea of a person if I ever saw one) 
I know. That’s why it’s so easy to hate him. 
As soon as you’re dealing with real people hatred gets all complicated and difficult so let’s keep things in two dimensions.
It’s like how we hate ideologies rather than the people genuinely responsible for fucking things up. 
(i know) 
You tend to.
.
.
.
(what were you talking about?)
Music?
Sex?
Drugs?
(don’t give me that shit)
.
Myself, then. 
. 
Myself. 
Always myself. 
(always. even when it’s not about you, it is) 
. 
(it’s all about how the external world relates to you, even in your deepest moments of empathy, even when you are the last thought on your mind, even when you listen. you’re listening for yourself in their words) 
I’m sorry. 
(don’t be) 
But I am. 
(you’re just human)
. 
(why do you think it was so easy?) 
I don’t know. It just was. 
(you don’t want to know, do you?) 
What? 
(if you wanted to know, you already would)
I guess. 
(thinking too much?) 
Not thinking enough. 
(still breathing?) 
Of course
(always)
I’ll know when I’m ready. 
(i know you will)
Not this season though. 
Not in summer. 

Notes

  1. clementinesmonsters said: I really like this.
  2. amnesiac1331 posted this